The THEY

The last two days have brought a sense of calm and understanding to part of our days. Although we haven't gotten into the great "meat" of the process yet, we have gotten enough of a taste that Tink's moods have stabilized and she is using skills we haven't seen for some time.

Rick and I are learning to give up control to get control. - A phrase we learned at Boys Town, but a principle we have yet to perfect :) - We also have learned about neurons, early attachment and experiential therapy.

Many of it we have heard before, or have known and used for some time. We have taken multitudes of training, Tink has been to many therapists, and we know much of what to do. Here I am learning, through our conversations with the therapists, HOW to do things, how to keep myself going, and very importantly, what to forget about. These therapists, no longer ominous, ARE the "They" we hear about. With 35 years of experience, we will not question. We already choose our battles and are learning to be even pickier! We talk alot about process and function. We learn to respond consistently to what she is needing; not to what she is saying. I have long suspected that what she says has nothing to do with what she wants, but WHAT A RELIEF to have someone assure me that is what is going on. I am not acting on instinct now. This is what "THEY" are saying!

Although my expectations are fine, my words are not always. When I told her to leave her sister alone and butt out because it wasn’t her job to solve Missy J’s problems, they told me that what I needed to do instead was say “Tink, honey, what’s going on? I don’t like the way you are treating your sister right now. It sounds like something is bothering you, could you tell me what is really going on?” While I do make some statements like that to her, it is currently on my own time. If either of us are having a bad day I do not necessarily have the desire to be nurturing and kind; and don’t make the effort to go through that process. THEY really helped me to see that to Tink (and other RAD kids) I used fighting words: "butt out," "not your job," "leave her alone." Those are not helpful words in the process of healing her. They might be fine for our bio-kids who just need a little dose of Butinsky Antidote, but they don't heal the neurons gone awry from rejection even if they may, sometimes, seem to control the behavior.

I wonder at what point I stopped doing the Proactive Things with her. I wonder at what point I was too overwhelmed to keep going with the Love and Logic parenting. I wonder when I started getting more angry with her for not getting better and less understanding that painful things are constantly flowing through her brain. I have gotten in a trap where I feel angry with her when I see and hear her not being her best, instead of wondering why THIS is the best she has to offer right now. This process with help me get out of that trap too.

We are enjoying our time outside of therapy very much. All the kids are having a great time at new playgrounds, and exploring different towns and parks. They had a blast today splashing in an icy creek and searching for a path to the top of the mountain. We have the weekend looming, and there are too many things to choose from! We have visited the famous Tattered Cover bookstore (a must for our bookworm family), dined on Colorado Style Pizza at Beau Jo's, tried several times to see the promised animals at Buffalo Lookout, celebrated as the Little Princess conquered the longest track of monkeybars in the country (yes, it was THAT long), and really enjoyed 24/7 time together.