Rollercoaster

"Every day is a new day, with no mistakes in it." said Marilla.
"No mistakes in it, yet" added Anne.

- L.M. Montgomery Anne of Green Gables (quote approximate and from memory)

There is no real way to describe the past few days accurately. So much has happened, but at the same time things are still very much the same. We have a better idea of what Tink can do, but not really. We have seen skills emerge, and we have seen them disappear. We have seen crazy-old behavior, and we have seen her follow through with new skills. We have seen her act out, and apologize. The ying/yang, to/fro, up/down. Who needs Valley Fair?

Friday at therapy was amazing. We got to really be a part of the process. We got to watch Tink as she worked through problems with the younger version of herself. We got to see a part of what she is made of and to honor her ability to be strong and brave. It was amazing. We left therapy optimistic, energized, and with just one homework assignment: Have Fun.

Hmmmm....

Should have been easy, I guess:
1. Find fun things to do
2. Do them with excitement and interest
3. Eat yummy food
4. Sleep soundly
5. Repeat the next day with a new activity

Unfortunately, the funny thing about the brain is that it (ironically) has a mind of it's own. Sometimes even a healthy person's brain can play tricks on them and make things that would normally be fun or exciting a bore, tiresome, or annoying. When you are influenced by an multitude of paranoid thoughts, mis-firing synapses, throbbing lymbic system, and plain-old-fashioned stress it is hard to focus on much of anything fun that doesn't involve immediate gratification or others bending to your will. I guess that is what we faced with Tink this weekend.

Our weekend wasn't awful ... It just wasn't all fun. I got to spend some alone-time with a dear friend, and that was wonderful! We had a great time talking together, daydreaming and meeting some of Denver's finest waitstaff. We saw a nightclub guarded with four suited bouncers wielding a "List." I can't say we were in awe, but we sat in wonder about what that would be like - to have the time, energy and money (and pre-baby bodies) to wear sequined dresses and go to a place that has a "list." The next day, Real Life lovingly woke us out of our curiosity. Even with the painful and mundane moments, I'll take little-child kisses over spiked heels at least359 days of the year.

That said, I didn't feel like a successful parent this weekend. I wanted to do all the right things with Tink, spend time with alone with my husband, spend time with the other kids and "have fun" as a family. We have learned SO much so far, and we still struggled to set Tink up for success the way we intended. We set expectations, we tried to address process and not content. We tried to offer support without overdoing the "doing." We talked less; listened more, and were still met with arguing, resistance, irritability, annoyance and rudeness. Tink tried to punch Missy J, and used every opportunity to tattle-tale and boss siblings around.

"What are we doing wrong?" I became hyper-critical and decided to try again the next day. Both days, to no noticeable change.

"Maybe she is still learning. We have had more practice than her," I told myself.

"Maybe we are being too hard on her," I wondered.

Therapy on Monday proved to be one of the most difficult to date. She is still running the show and we things were not going as well as hoped. They told us that we need to set the bar higher and that I can not make allowances for her "hard days." I was afraid I was being too hard on her... They told me I was being too easy on her. Tink can have hard emotional days and act like a 17 year old if she has to. We need to expect that of her. They sat with me while I told her that times are a-changing in the Jackson house and that we are not going to be wishy-washy any more. They taught her to listen, and to hear that she can't keep going on the path she is on and be in a family. They supported me as I told her that she has to make a decision to be in our home, or not. They prepared me to mean it too.

The trouble is, I don't feel wishy-washy. I feel strong, but I feel manipulated. They are helping us to learn how this kind of pathology in a home can sneak up on us, and we can be confused and feel like we are at fault when we are not. Richard Delaney says the same things in his books. I generally think of myself as a confident person, but I am gaining confidence to stand up for what I believe Tink needs even more now. The therapists assured me that they "have our back" in any situation in which we need to invoke their knowledge or expertise. It will be invaluable as we navigate the next few months and decide what to do with her regarding school, routines, friends and so forth. There is so much more to talk about, and we only have 3 days left.

This is Crunch Time. These are the last days: the days that we decide if Tink can stay with us; the days she decides if she can stay in a family; the days that we figure out how much we can expect from her; the days we figure out where to go from here.

Monday we had a good session but a horrible night. This morning was awful and full of confrontation, but therapy went amazingly well and we had a breakthrough. We are very sure that her disorder is treatable now. But we still don't know if she is willing to change and HOW successful we will be. We have to be "tough love" parents, and those of you who think we are hard on her now with have a difficult time watching some of the interactions. I am certain that things will go one of two ways - either everything will get easier, or everything will get harder. There is no way to guess one over the other.

So we ride the roller coaster... for a while more.

Missy J is having a hard time here. It is stirring all sorts of her past issues and we have to deal with that too. At the same time, we have to make sure that our bio kids don't feel neglected and that they feel like they are connecting with us and having fun. Truth be told, I don't feel like I am connecting with them much. It is helpful that we have friends for them to play with so even though they don't have as much of us as we'd like, they are at least living a vacation life more than the rest of us. What 6 year old doesn't like to swim, watch movies, play with friends and jump on a trampoline for 2 weeks?

Tomorrow is a new day. We shall see how many mistakes befall upon it, and how we navigate them.