So it Begins

I haven't had good internet connectivity here in the Mountains. Our home has wifi, but it is sketchy, and this is the first time I considered bringing the laptop somewhere simply to get the service.

What I am posting is a journal of our first few days here. I will spare you the gorey details, but share the struggles and triumphs. This is a turning point in our family life, and we are excited to be here.

7/12/09 - Day One

We are here in Denver. We just arrived and had a wonderful time visiting good friends for supper before heading to our home away from home for the next 10 days. We are in Denver to participate in an intensive therapy process to help Tink with all the issues she has been bestowed. We are curious what it will be like, and curious what will become of it. We have hopes that we will have a fairy-tale ending with lots of good results. This teenager, 17 going on 4, has had so many struggles in her life. We desperately want to help her and imagine a good life for her. However, it is apparent that at the rate she is going she will never have the future we dream for her. She will not be able to succeed in a life on her own. That is my greatest fear for her - that she will never know the joys of choosing her path and will, instead, be regulated to a path of group homes welfare agencies and corrections facilities. We see so much more potential in this joyous, likeable girl than that. We want to know what is a reasonable life path for her; how we can support her; how we can make her feel whole and what we can do to "be the change we want to see." We want to know if we are going to be able to continue having her live in our home, how we should handle school, friends and the future with her. She seems just out of reach of all that is "normal" and it is so painful to see.

Regarding the therapy itself: We are withholding expectation. It would be equally easy to believe in either a fairytale ending or a pessimistic derailment. Thus, we are better off just waiting to see and resolving that "it is what it is."

Our new little home is more apartment than house. It is quiet and quaint and the small kitchen, painted brick walls, plush green couch, fluffy towels and uneven cobblestone floors give it a charming aura that makes me smile as I sip my coffee at the 4-chaired table.

We are looking forward to a great week!



7/14/09 - Day Four

July 14th, 2009

We are waking up on our 4th day in Colorado. The apartment continues to be cozy for us. We are getting a rythm to our days. The house itself is much bigger than we realized, and the children are having a great time with 7 and 10 year old girls who live here. Their family owns the home, which acts more like a cooperative than apartments. There are common areas and everyone keeps their doors open. I love the feel of it and it is a nurturing environment to be in during this process.
The process of being here isn’t romantic at all. Therapy has been long. It is all about Rick and I right now. They have done a good job letting us know that we will be working hard. They interviewed us at length on the first day about her behaviors, history, and symptoms. We discussed the way our community system works, and how/what effects her past placements have had. We decried the troubles we have had with the school, and expressed our fears and goals for her future. It was good to get everything out at the same time in a concise way and to have them say to us “You will know exactly how to proceed at the end of the two weeks.” Tink has not yet really met with the therapists. One of them met with her to complete a sentence completion activity. Tink initially refused to do it, but came back with some really truthful answers. They are deliberately making her wait for her turn to do the interview. They seem to understand the innate ways in which she works, and it is reassuring to hear them tell us things like “all kids say that” and “she is responding like most of them do.” They watch our expressions and are gauging us to see how we interact together to see exactly where the issues are that are holding us back from being successful. There are three of them. One’s job is to speak. One keeps notes, and the other watches and observes us. They rotate very well-defined roles. I think this is a wonderful set-up; if unnerving at times. They watch our reactions, expressions and tune-in to us so intently that they seem to be mind-readers.

There is a lot of joy in the room. We laugh about our flaws to make them okay. We joke about the things kids say, we discuss the activities of yesterday and they end with making suggestions for things to do today. It is such a gentle way to end a session; talking about the things we will explore.

Yesterday Rick disclosed his past, his mother’s mental illness and his own struggle with depression. They realized that there is more emotion and caring to Rick than they initially thought since he covers so well with his sarcasm. We discussed the communication between the two of us, and how we continue to work on it, but with such different communication styles it can be hard to be effective and get our point across to each other. They told us that we will be working on our communication as well.

Today we will talk about my history and family. We will explore Rick and my triggers, and how to deprogram them. Tink will have her first interview, which Rick and I will observe. They assure us that it will make her angry and most likely refuse to do the interview. We will then watch how they handle it, and build trust with her, and we will close with a debriefing with the therapists.
My Tink is not happy that she has had to wait until today to have her say about things. She does not like it that this is not Tink-driven therapy. We have had many blow-ups, but none of them have been the hitting or running-away kind. She knows she is stuck. She doesn’t want to embarrass herself in our wonderful little apartment house. She does not like contracting to meet our expectations, and we will discuss that too.