Today we are packing up to leave Denver. We have enjoyed time with our friends and are thankful for the support we have received from family and friends while we have been here.
Leaving is bittersweet.
We welcome the chance to sleep in our own beds and get back into our normal rhythm, but at the same time we will be coming home to a loss. After much thought and prayer we have decided that we will be coming home without Tink.
These past 2 weeks have been wonderful for Rick and I to establish understandings about ourselves, our marriage and our lives as Foster Parents. We have worked hard with Tink, and worked hard to examine our parenting styles, ideas, and dreams about this job we call "Parenting."
But, there is disappointment in parenting. Sometimes the kids, no matter how they come into our hearts, don't do what we hope. Sometimes it is a little thing like yet again yelling at a sibling or not playing with the new kid at school, and some times it is a really big crossing-the-line-in-the-sand thing. As parents we have to be intentional to remember not only that we set the limits and kids make the choice to respect them or not, but also that kids choose their actions and we set the consequences. And this is one of those times... Although Tink has said a million things we wish were true, she has made choices through her actions that we can't deny. She has the right to make choices - we have the responsibility to set the consequences.
Naturally this is the point in which, me being me, I start working too hard. I start wondering if I have done my job making sure she had been taught the expectation, taught the consequence, taught the correlation, and that she understood the nuances of her decision.
Not this time. I know she knows. She is very bright.
It has been heartbreaking to come to the realization that she is forcing our relationship to change. This time there will be no bedroom saved for her, no box in the garage with her things. This will be the first time in over 3 years that I won't be signing my name to "call first in case of an emergency," or putting our address as "home."
But I am resolved. Her prognosis and diagnosis changed, literally, overnight. Unfortunately none of us at home would have seen this for what it is. Fortunately we were here going through this process in Evergreen so we won't continue to live in chaos not knowing how to help her. Now we know - without a doubt - that she won't be successful in a family. - Any family ... She is just THAT hurt, and doesn't know how to trust people THAT much.
So, we are sending her off with guarded hope that, in learning that we will not let her cross the line, she'll work herself out of this entrapment she created. And we hope some day (months, or even years from now) she is able to re-enter our lives in a healthy way.
So, until then Tink.... Fare Thee Well, my dear. We love you.
Friday, July 24, 2009
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Rollercoaster
"Every day is a new day, with no mistakes in it." said Marilla.
"No mistakes in it, yet" added Anne.
- L.M. Montgomery Anne of Green Gables (quote approximate and from memory)
There is no real way to describe the past few days accurately. So much has happened, but at the same time things are still very much the same. We have a better idea of what Tink can do, but not really. We have seen skills emerge, and we have seen them disappear. We have seen crazy-old behavior, and we have seen her follow through with new skills. We have seen her act out, and apologize. The ying/yang, to/fro, up/down. Who needs Valley Fair?
Friday at therapy was amazing. We got to really be a part of the process. We got to watch Tink as she worked through problems with the younger version of herself. We got to see a part of what she is made of and to honor her ability to be strong and brave. It was amazing. We left therapy optimistic, energized, and with just one homework assignment: Have Fun.
Hmmmm....
Should have been easy, I guess:
1. Find fun things to do
2. Do them with excitement and interest
3. Eat yummy food
4. Sleep soundly
5. Repeat the next day with a new activity
Unfortunately, the funny thing about the brain is that it (ironically) has a mind of it's own. Sometimes even a healthy person's brain can play tricks on them and make things that would normally be fun or exciting a bore, tiresome, or annoying. When you are influenced by an multitude of paranoid thoughts, mis-firing synapses, throbbing lymbic system, and plain-old-fashioned stress it is hard to focus on much of anything fun that doesn't involve immediate gratification or others bending to your will. I guess that is what we faced with Tink this weekend.
Our weekend wasn't awful ... It just wasn't all fun. I got to spend some alone-time with a dear friend, and that was wonderful! We had a great time talking together, daydreaming and meeting some of Denver's finest waitstaff. We saw a nightclub guarded with four suited bouncers wielding a "List." I can't say we were in awe, but we sat in wonder about what that would be like - to have the time, energy and money (and pre-baby bodies) to wear sequined dresses and go to a place that has a "list." The next day, Real Life lovingly woke us out of our curiosity. Even with the painful and mundane moments, I'll take little-child kisses over spiked heels at least359 days of the year.
That said, I didn't feel like a successful parent this weekend. I wanted to do all the right things with Tink, spend time with alone with my husband, spend time with the other kids and "have fun" as a family. We have learned SO much so far, and we still struggled to set Tink up for success the way we intended. We set expectations, we tried to address process and not content. We tried to offer support without overdoing the "doing." We talked less; listened more, and were still met with arguing, resistance, irritability, annoyance and rudeness. Tink tried to punch Missy J, and used every opportunity to tattle-tale and boss siblings around.
"What are we doing wrong?" I became hyper-critical and decided to try again the next day. Both days, to no noticeable change.
"Maybe she is still learning. We have had more practice than her," I told myself.
"Maybe we are being too hard on her," I wondered.
Therapy on Monday proved to be one of the most difficult to date. She is still running the show and we things were not going as well as hoped. They told us that we need to set the bar higher and that I can not make allowances for her "hard days." I was afraid I was being too hard on her... They told me I was being too easy on her. Tink can have hard emotional days and act like a 17 year old if she has to. We need to expect that of her. They sat with me while I told her that times are a-changing in the Jackson house and that we are not going to be wishy-washy any more. They taught her to listen, and to hear that she can't keep going on the path she is on and be in a family. They supported me as I told her that she has to make a decision to be in our home, or not. They prepared me to mean it too.
The trouble is, I don't feel wishy-washy. I feel strong, but I feel manipulated. They are helping us to learn how this kind of pathology in a home can sneak up on us, and we can be confused and feel like we are at fault when we are not. Richard Delaney says the same things in his books. I generally think of myself as a confident person, but I am gaining confidence to stand up for what I believe Tink needs even more now. The therapists assured me that they "have our back" in any situation in which we need to invoke their knowledge or expertise. It will be invaluable as we navigate the next few months and decide what to do with her regarding school, routines, friends and so forth. There is so much more to talk about, and we only have 3 days left.
This is Crunch Time. These are the last days: the days that we decide if Tink can stay with us; the days she decides if she can stay in a family; the days that we figure out how much we can expect from her; the days we figure out where to go from here.
Monday we had a good session but a horrible night. This morning was awful and full of confrontation, but therapy went amazingly well and we had a breakthrough. We are very sure that her disorder is treatable now. But we still don't know if she is willing to change and HOW successful we will be. We have to be "tough love" parents, and those of you who think we are hard on her now with have a difficult time watching some of the interactions. I am certain that things will go one of two ways - either everything will get easier, or everything will get harder. There is no way to guess one over the other.
So we ride the roller coaster... for a while more.
Missy J is having a hard time here. It is stirring all sorts of her past issues and we have to deal with that too. At the same time, we have to make sure that our bio kids don't feel neglected and that they feel like they are connecting with us and having fun. Truth be told, I don't feel like I am connecting with them much. It is helpful that we have friends for them to play with so even though they don't have as much of us as we'd like, they are at least living a vacation life more than the rest of us. What 6 year old doesn't like to swim, watch movies, play with friends and jump on a trampoline for 2 weeks?
Tomorrow is a new day. We shall see how many mistakes befall upon it, and how we navigate them.
"No mistakes in it, yet" added Anne.
- L.M. Montgomery Anne of Green Gables (quote approximate and from memory)
There is no real way to describe the past few days accurately. So much has happened, but at the same time things are still very much the same. We have a better idea of what Tink can do, but not really. We have seen skills emerge, and we have seen them disappear. We have seen crazy-old behavior, and we have seen her follow through with new skills. We have seen her act out, and apologize. The ying/yang, to/fro, up/down. Who needs Valley Fair?
Friday at therapy was amazing. We got to really be a part of the process. We got to watch Tink as she worked through problems with the younger version of herself. We got to see a part of what she is made of and to honor her ability to be strong and brave. It was amazing. We left therapy optimistic, energized, and with just one homework assignment: Have Fun.
Hmmmm....
Should have been easy, I guess:
1. Find fun things to do
2. Do them with excitement and interest
3. Eat yummy food
4. Sleep soundly
5. Repeat the next day with a new activity
Unfortunately, the funny thing about the brain is that it (ironically) has a mind of it's own. Sometimes even a healthy person's brain can play tricks on them and make things that would normally be fun or exciting a bore, tiresome, or annoying. When you are influenced by an multitude of paranoid thoughts, mis-firing synapses, throbbing lymbic system, and plain-old-fashioned stress it is hard to focus on much of anything fun that doesn't involve immediate gratification or others bending to your will. I guess that is what we faced with Tink this weekend.
Our weekend wasn't awful ... It just wasn't all fun. I got to spend some alone-time with a dear friend, and that was wonderful! We had a great time talking together, daydreaming and meeting some of Denver's finest waitstaff. We saw a nightclub guarded with four suited bouncers wielding a "List." I can't say we were in awe, but we sat in wonder about what that would be like - to have the time, energy and money (and pre-baby bodies) to wear sequined dresses and go to a place that has a "list." The next day, Real Life lovingly woke us out of our curiosity. Even with the painful and mundane moments, I'll take little-child kisses over spiked heels at least359 days of the year.
That said, I didn't feel like a successful parent this weekend. I wanted to do all the right things with Tink, spend time with alone with my husband, spend time with the other kids and "have fun" as a family. We have learned SO much so far, and we still struggled to set Tink up for success the way we intended. We set expectations, we tried to address process and not content. We tried to offer support without overdoing the "doing." We talked less; listened more, and were still met with arguing, resistance, irritability, annoyance and rudeness. Tink tried to punch Missy J, and used every opportunity to tattle-tale and boss siblings around.
"What are we doing wrong?" I became hyper-critical and decided to try again the next day. Both days, to no noticeable change.
"Maybe she is still learning. We have had more practice than her," I told myself.
"Maybe we are being too hard on her," I wondered.
Therapy on Monday proved to be one of the most difficult to date. She is still running the show and we things were not going as well as hoped. They told us that we need to set the bar higher and that I can not make allowances for her "hard days." I was afraid I was being too hard on her... They told me I was being too easy on her. Tink can have hard emotional days and act like a 17 year old if she has to. We need to expect that of her. They sat with me while I told her that times are a-changing in the Jackson house and that we are not going to be wishy-washy any more. They taught her to listen, and to hear that she can't keep going on the path she is on and be in a family. They supported me as I told her that she has to make a decision to be in our home, or not. They prepared me to mean it too.
The trouble is, I don't feel wishy-washy. I feel strong, but I feel manipulated. They are helping us to learn how this kind of pathology in a home can sneak up on us, and we can be confused and feel like we are at fault when we are not. Richard Delaney says the same things in his books. I generally think of myself as a confident person, but I am gaining confidence to stand up for what I believe Tink needs even more now. The therapists assured me that they "have our back" in any situation in which we need to invoke their knowledge or expertise. It will be invaluable as we navigate the next few months and decide what to do with her regarding school, routines, friends and so forth. There is so much more to talk about, and we only have 3 days left.
This is Crunch Time. These are the last days: the days that we decide if Tink can stay with us; the days she decides if she can stay in a family; the days that we figure out how much we can expect from her; the days we figure out where to go from here.
Monday we had a good session but a horrible night. This morning was awful and full of confrontation, but therapy went amazingly well and we had a breakthrough. We are very sure that her disorder is treatable now. But we still don't know if she is willing to change and HOW successful we will be. We have to be "tough love" parents, and those of you who think we are hard on her now with have a difficult time watching some of the interactions. I am certain that things will go one of two ways - either everything will get easier, or everything will get harder. There is no way to guess one over the other.
So we ride the roller coaster... for a while more.
Missy J is having a hard time here. It is stirring all sorts of her past issues and we have to deal with that too. At the same time, we have to make sure that our bio kids don't feel neglected and that they feel like they are connecting with us and having fun. Truth be told, I don't feel like I am connecting with them much. It is helpful that we have friends for them to play with so even though they don't have as much of us as we'd like, they are at least living a vacation life more than the rest of us. What 6 year old doesn't like to swim, watch movies, play with friends and jump on a trampoline for 2 weeks?
Tomorrow is a new day. We shall see how many mistakes befall upon it, and how we navigate them.
Friday, July 17, 2009
The THEY
The last two days have brought a sense of calm and understanding to part of our days. Although we haven't gotten into the great "meat" of the process yet, we have gotten enough of a taste that Tink's moods have stabilized and she is using skills we haven't seen for some time.
Rick and I are learning to give up control to get control. - A phrase we learned at Boys Town, but a principle we have yet to perfect :) - We also have learned about neurons, early attachment and experiential therapy.
Many of it we have heard before, or have known and used for some time. We have taken multitudes of training, Tink has been to many therapists, and we know much of what to do. Here I am learning, through our conversations with the therapists, HOW to do things, how to keep myself going, and very importantly, what to forget about. These therapists, no longer ominous, ARE the "They" we hear about. With 35 years of experience, we will not question. We already choose our battles and are learning to be even pickier! We talk alot about process and function. We learn to respond consistently to what she is needing; not to what she is saying. I have long suspected that what she says has nothing to do with what she wants, but WHAT A RELIEF to have someone assure me that is what is going on. I am not acting on instinct now. This is what "THEY" are saying!
Although my expectations are fine, my words are not always. When I told her to leave her sister alone and butt out because it wasn’t her job to solve Missy J’s problems, they told me that what I needed to do instead was say “Tink, honey, what’s going on? I don’t like the way you are treating your sister right now. It sounds like something is bothering you, could you tell me what is really going on?” While I do make some statements like that to her, it is currently on my own time. If either of us are having a bad day I do not necessarily have the desire to be nurturing and kind; and don’t make the effort to go through that process. THEY really helped me to see that to Tink (and other RAD kids) I used fighting words: "butt out," "not your job," "leave her alone." Those are not helpful words in the process of healing her. They might be fine for our bio-kids who just need a little dose of Butinsky Antidote, but they don't heal the neurons gone awry from rejection even if they may, sometimes, seem to control the behavior.
I wonder at what point I stopped doing the Proactive Things with her. I wonder at what point I was too overwhelmed to keep going with the Love and Logic parenting. I wonder when I started getting more angry with her for not getting better and less understanding that painful things are constantly flowing through her brain. I have gotten in a trap where I feel angry with her when I see and hear her not being her best, instead of wondering why THIS is the best she has to offer right now. This process with help me get out of that trap too.
We are enjoying our time outside of therapy very much. All the kids are having a great time at new playgrounds, and exploring different towns and parks. They had a blast today splashing in an icy creek and searching for a path to the top of the mountain. We have the weekend looming, and there are too many things to choose from! We have visited the famous Tattered Cover bookstore (a must for our bookworm family), dined on Colorado Style Pizza at Beau Jo's, tried several times to see the promised animals at Buffalo Lookout, celebrated as the Little Princess conquered the longest track of monkeybars in the country (yes, it was THAT long), and really enjoyed 24/7 time together.
Rick and I are learning to give up control to get control. - A phrase we learned at Boys Town, but a principle we have yet to perfect :) - We also have learned about neurons, early attachment and experiential therapy.
Many of it we have heard before, or have known and used for some time. We have taken multitudes of training, Tink has been to many therapists, and we know much of what to do. Here I am learning, through our conversations with the therapists, HOW to do things, how to keep myself going, and very importantly, what to forget about. These therapists, no longer ominous, ARE the "They" we hear about. With 35 years of experience, we will not question. We already choose our battles and are learning to be even pickier! We talk alot about process and function. We learn to respond consistently to what she is needing; not to what she is saying. I have long suspected that what she says has nothing to do with what she wants, but WHAT A RELIEF to have someone assure me that is what is going on. I am not acting on instinct now. This is what "THEY" are saying!
Although my expectations are fine, my words are not always. When I told her to leave her sister alone and butt out because it wasn’t her job to solve Missy J’s problems, they told me that what I needed to do instead was say “Tink, honey, what’s going on? I don’t like the way you are treating your sister right now. It sounds like something is bothering you, could you tell me what is really going on?” While I do make some statements like that to her, it is currently on my own time. If either of us are having a bad day I do not necessarily have the desire to be nurturing and kind; and don’t make the effort to go through that process. THEY really helped me to see that to Tink (and other RAD kids) I used fighting words: "butt out," "not your job," "leave her alone." Those are not helpful words in the process of healing her. They might be fine for our bio-kids who just need a little dose of Butinsky Antidote, but they don't heal the neurons gone awry from rejection even if they may, sometimes, seem to control the behavior.
I wonder at what point I stopped doing the Proactive Things with her. I wonder at what point I was too overwhelmed to keep going with the Love and Logic parenting. I wonder when I started getting more angry with her for not getting better and less understanding that painful things are constantly flowing through her brain. I have gotten in a trap where I feel angry with her when I see and hear her not being her best, instead of wondering why THIS is the best she has to offer right now. This process with help me get out of that trap too.
We are enjoying our time outside of therapy very much. All the kids are having a great time at new playgrounds, and exploring different towns and parks. They had a blast today splashing in an icy creek and searching for a path to the top of the mountain. We have the weekend looming, and there are too many things to choose from! We have visited the famous Tattered Cover bookstore (a must for our bookworm family), dined on Colorado Style Pizza at Beau Jo's, tried several times to see the promised animals at Buffalo Lookout, celebrated as the Little Princess conquered the longest track of monkeybars in the country (yes, it was THAT long), and really enjoyed 24/7 time together.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
So it Begins
I haven't had good internet connectivity here in the Mountains. Our home has wifi, but it is sketchy, and this is the first time I considered bringing the laptop somewhere simply to get the service.
What I am posting is a journal of our first few days here. I will spare you the gorey details, but share the struggles and triumphs. This is a turning point in our family life, and we are excited to be here.
7/12/09 - Day One
We are here in Denver. We just arrived and had a wonderful time visiting good friends for supper before heading to our home away from home for the next 10 days. We are in Denver to participate in an intensive therapy process to help Tink with all the issues she has been bestowed. We are curious what it will be like, and curious what will become of it. We have hopes that we will have a fairy-tale ending with lots of good results. This teenager, 17 going on 4, has had so many struggles in her life. We desperately want to help her and imagine a good life for her. However, it is apparent that at the rate she is going she will never have the future we dream for her. She will not be able to succeed in a life on her own. That is my greatest fear for her - that she will never know the joys of choosing her path and will, instead, be regulated to a path of group homes welfare agencies and corrections facilities. We see so much more potential in this joyous, likeable girl than that. We want to know what is a reasonable life path for her; how we can support her; how we can make her feel whole and what we can do to "be the change we want to see." We want to know if we are going to be able to continue having her live in our home, how we should handle school, friends and the future with her. She seems just out of reach of all that is "normal" and it is so painful to see.
Regarding the therapy itself: We are withholding expectation. It would be equally easy to believe in either a fairytale ending or a pessimistic derailment. Thus, we are better off just waiting to see and resolving that "it is what it is."
Our new little home is more apartment than house. It is quiet and quaint and the small kitchen, painted brick walls, plush green couch, fluffy towels and uneven cobblestone floors give it a charming aura that makes me smile as I sip my coffee at the 4-chaired table.
We are looking forward to a great week!
7/14/09 - Day Four
July 14th, 2009
We are waking up on our 4th day in Colorado. The apartment continues to be cozy for us. We are getting a rythm to our days. The house itself is much bigger than we realized, and the children are having a great time with 7 and 10 year old girls who live here. Their family owns the home, which acts more like a cooperative than apartments. There are common areas and everyone keeps their doors open. I love the feel of it and it is a nurturing environment to be in during this process.
The process of being here isn’t romantic at all. Therapy has been long. It is all about Rick and I right now. They have done a good job letting us know that we will be working hard. They interviewed us at length on the first day about her behaviors, history, and symptoms. We discussed the way our community system works, and how/what effects her past placements have had. We decried the troubles we have had with the school, and expressed our fears and goals for her future. It was good to get everything out at the same time in a concise way and to have them say to us “You will know exactly how to proceed at the end of the two weeks.” Tink has not yet really met with the therapists. One of them met with her to complete a sentence completion activity. Tink initially refused to do it, but came back with some really truthful answers. They are deliberately making her wait for her turn to do the interview. They seem to understand the innate ways in which she works, and it is reassuring to hear them tell us things like “all kids say that” and “she is responding like most of them do.” They watch our expressions and are gauging us to see how we interact together to see exactly where the issues are that are holding us back from being successful. There are three of them. One’s job is to speak. One keeps notes, and the other watches and observes us. They rotate very well-defined roles. I think this is a wonderful set-up; if unnerving at times. They watch our reactions, expressions and tune-in to us so intently that they seem to be mind-readers.
There is a lot of joy in the room. We laugh about our flaws to make them okay. We joke about the things kids say, we discuss the activities of yesterday and they end with making suggestions for things to do today. It is such a gentle way to end a session; talking about the things we will explore.
Yesterday Rick disclosed his past, his mother’s mental illness and his own struggle with depression. They realized that there is more emotion and caring to Rick than they initially thought since he covers so well with his sarcasm. We discussed the communication between the two of us, and how we continue to work on it, but with such different communication styles it can be hard to be effective and get our point across to each other. They told us that we will be working on our communication as well.
Today we will talk about my history and family. We will explore Rick and my triggers, and how to deprogram them. Tink will have her first interview, which Rick and I will observe. They assure us that it will make her angry and most likely refuse to do the interview. We will then watch how they handle it, and build trust with her, and we will close with a debriefing with the therapists.
My Tink is not happy that she has had to wait until today to have her say about things. She does not like it that this is not Tink-driven therapy. We have had many blow-ups, but none of them have been the hitting or running-away kind. She knows she is stuck. She doesn’t want to embarrass herself in our wonderful little apartment house. She does not like contracting to meet our expectations, and we will discuss that too.
What I am posting is a journal of our first few days here. I will spare you the gorey details, but share the struggles and triumphs. This is a turning point in our family life, and we are excited to be here.
7/12/09 - Day One
We are here in Denver. We just arrived and had a wonderful time visiting good friends for supper before heading to our home away from home for the next 10 days. We are in Denver to participate in an intensive therapy process to help Tink with all the issues she has been bestowed. We are curious what it will be like, and curious what will become of it. We have hopes that we will have a fairy-tale ending with lots of good results. This teenager, 17 going on 4, has had so many struggles in her life. We desperately want to help her and imagine a good life for her. However, it is apparent that at the rate she is going she will never have the future we dream for her. She will not be able to succeed in a life on her own. That is my greatest fear for her - that she will never know the joys of choosing her path and will, instead, be regulated to a path of group homes welfare agencies and corrections facilities. We see so much more potential in this joyous, likeable girl than that. We want to know what is a reasonable life path for her; how we can support her; how we can make her feel whole and what we can do to "be the change we want to see." We want to know if we are going to be able to continue having her live in our home, how we should handle school, friends and the future with her. She seems just out of reach of all that is "normal" and it is so painful to see.
Regarding the therapy itself: We are withholding expectation. It would be equally easy to believe in either a fairytale ending or a pessimistic derailment. Thus, we are better off just waiting to see and resolving that "it is what it is."
Our new little home is more apartment than house. It is quiet and quaint and the small kitchen, painted brick walls, plush green couch, fluffy towels and uneven cobblestone floors give it a charming aura that makes me smile as I sip my coffee at the 4-chaired table.
We are looking forward to a great week!
7/14/09 - Day Four
July 14th, 2009
We are waking up on our 4th day in Colorado. The apartment continues to be cozy for us. We are getting a rythm to our days. The house itself is much bigger than we realized, and the children are having a great time with 7 and 10 year old girls who live here. Their family owns the home, which acts more like a cooperative than apartments. There are common areas and everyone keeps their doors open. I love the feel of it and it is a nurturing environment to be in during this process.
The process of being here isn’t romantic at all. Therapy has been long. It is all about Rick and I right now. They have done a good job letting us know that we will be working hard. They interviewed us at length on the first day about her behaviors, history, and symptoms. We discussed the way our community system works, and how/what effects her past placements have had. We decried the troubles we have had with the school, and expressed our fears and goals for her future. It was good to get everything out at the same time in a concise way and to have them say to us “You will know exactly how to proceed at the end of the two weeks.” Tink has not yet really met with the therapists. One of them met with her to complete a sentence completion activity. Tink initially refused to do it, but came back with some really truthful answers. They are deliberately making her wait for her turn to do the interview. They seem to understand the innate ways in which she works, and it is reassuring to hear them tell us things like “all kids say that” and “she is responding like most of them do.” They watch our expressions and are gauging us to see how we interact together to see exactly where the issues are that are holding us back from being successful. There are three of them. One’s job is to speak. One keeps notes, and the other watches and observes us. They rotate very well-defined roles. I think this is a wonderful set-up; if unnerving at times. They watch our reactions, expressions and tune-in to us so intently that they seem to be mind-readers.
There is a lot of joy in the room. We laugh about our flaws to make them okay. We joke about the things kids say, we discuss the activities of yesterday and they end with making suggestions for things to do today. It is such a gentle way to end a session; talking about the things we will explore.
Yesterday Rick disclosed his past, his mother’s mental illness and his own struggle with depression. They realized that there is more emotion and caring to Rick than they initially thought since he covers so well with his sarcasm. We discussed the communication between the two of us, and how we continue to work on it, but with such different communication styles it can be hard to be effective and get our point across to each other. They told us that we will be working on our communication as well.
Today we will talk about my history and family. We will explore Rick and my triggers, and how to deprogram them. Tink will have her first interview, which Rick and I will observe. They assure us that it will make her angry and most likely refuse to do the interview. We will then watch how they handle it, and build trust with her, and we will close with a debriefing with the therapists.
My Tink is not happy that she has had to wait until today to have her say about things. She does not like it that this is not Tink-driven therapy. We have had many blow-ups, but none of them have been the hitting or running-away kind. She knows she is stuck. She doesn’t want to embarrass herself in our wonderful little apartment house. She does not like contracting to meet our expectations, and we will discuss that too.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Getting Ready
It seems like this summer all I have been doing is preparing. Preparations have come and gone for a trip to New Mexico; kids graduating to new homes, or back to their parents; Ms. J coming home; painting projects; and carpet cleaning. I have been working to prepare for an extended trip to Denver during which we will all (seven of us) spend two weeks in therapy preparing our family for the return of Tink by learning new techniques and developing a new way of looking at the process of parenting RAD kids. In the midst of all this I have been preparing flowerbeds, dinners, laudry for washing, daily schedules, a gift for a developing baby, photos for printing, and young minds to become responsible adults. All this "preparing" sometimes leaves me tired and spent; irritable towards my husband for not doing more and frusterated that there is so much to do. What I am repeatedly neglecting is to spend a few minutes each morning preparing myself for the day. All the planning and developing in the world doesn't give me back the preciousness my day holds when I begin it with a goal to be present and intentional with my family... to remind myself that the beautiful young minds that I help prepare for the world get the best "preparation" by watching me hold myself with dignity in the face of adversity, with strength in the face of trials and with patience in the face of messy hands, shoes in the entryway, running in the house and rude voices to each other. I need to remember that when I am short with them, I am preparing them to be short with others.
So, today I have moved slowly... we have played more and prepared less. The carpet is dry but the rooms are not yet tidy. The floors are beautifully prepared, however, and just waiting for the furniture to go back where it belongs. . . . after we are done wrestling on it's emptiness!
So, today I have moved slowly... we have played more and prepared less. The carpet is dry but the rooms are not yet tidy. The floors are beautifully prepared, however, and just waiting for the furniture to go back where it belongs. . . . after we are done wrestling on it's emptiness!
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